Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Poor Chaps
The poetry seems to be having a rest… I had a moment of clarity today which I wanted to write down but not anywhere too personal.
My decision to never let a man touch me again in that way was the right one. At moments of inclarity I remember how fun men could be at the start… but then how the boredom, the numbness, the violation of further…. Err relations felt. Wearing a mask was unfair on me and unfair on him, unfair on the male sex as it made me resent them for having a more straightforward and immediate sex drive. Men get a bad enough press as it is.
A respectful man would cherish his lover as I would….I know plenty of straight couples who would agree. He wouldn’t see his lover as a sex object. He’ll see his lover the way I’d see mine and want to please her too.
Wearing a mask and pretending I was feeling something for them I wasn’t, kidding myself, was leading them on. Their reactions were in part my fault. If they didn’t know any better, I couldn’t blame them… These men were not pervy. Funny how time gives you perspective on your errors. I was involved with some lovely men, who were wonderful friends too. How awful they obliviously made me feel cheap and objectified and resentful sometimes. They’d be mortified if they knew.
Of course there are nasty pieces of work who do objectify women, but I’m talking about the nice guys here. It wasn’t them who made me feel cheap and used, it was me.
Being involved with men when being in denial has not been the only time I’ve made myself feel cheap and nasty… friends and strangers have had their part too…but not to their knowledge! When I used to dress up to show off the assets, most of the attention I would get would be of a sexual nature… getting called a sex kitten all the time, people talking about or to my breasts all the time….couples would proposition me, people would just plain leer at me…. I just used to feel awful. But as soon as I covered up again, and repressed my flirtatious side it all stopped…I won’t flirt unless I seriously mean it now (for a start it’s deeply unfair to flirt and not mean it!) and the assets only come out for special occasions! It’s been that way for years now, it’s good, but sometimes I miss the attention. I am a bit of a closet exhibitionist.
Other women, not just men have also made me feel cheap and objectified… but only because I was putting myself out there as someone I’m not or as feeling something I wasn’t.
Maybe I got what I deserved! If people think you want something you really don't, who should you really blame? ¶ 10:37 pm
The poetry seems to be having a rest… I had a moment of clarity today which I wanted to write down but not anywhere too personal.
My decision to never let a man touch me again in that way was the right one. At moments of inclarity I remember how fun men could be at the start… but then how the boredom, the numbness, the violation of further…. Err relations felt. Wearing a mask was unfair on me and unfair on him, unfair on the male sex as it made me resent them for having a more straightforward and immediate sex drive. Men get a bad enough press as it is.
A respectful man would cherish his lover as I would….I know plenty of straight couples who would agree. He wouldn’t see his lover as a sex object. He’ll see his lover the way I’d see mine and want to please her too.
Wearing a mask and pretending I was feeling something for them I wasn’t, kidding myself, was leading them on. Their reactions were in part my fault. If they didn’t know any better, I couldn’t blame them… These men were not pervy. Funny how time gives you perspective on your errors. I was involved with some lovely men, who were wonderful friends too. How awful they obliviously made me feel cheap and objectified and resentful sometimes. They’d be mortified if they knew.
Of course there are nasty pieces of work who do objectify women, but I’m talking about the nice guys here. It wasn’t them who made me feel cheap and used, it was me.
Being involved with men when being in denial has not been the only time I’ve made myself feel cheap and nasty… friends and strangers have had their part too…but not to their knowledge! When I used to dress up to show off the assets, most of the attention I would get would be of a sexual nature… getting called a sex kitten all the time, people talking about or to my breasts all the time….couples would proposition me, people would just plain leer at me…. I just used to feel awful. But as soon as I covered up again, and repressed my flirtatious side it all stopped…I won’t flirt unless I seriously mean it now (for a start it’s deeply unfair to flirt and not mean it!) and the assets only come out for special occasions! It’s been that way for years now, it’s good, but sometimes I miss the attention. I am a bit of a closet exhibitionist.
Other women, not just men have also made me feel cheap and objectified… but only because I was putting myself out there as someone I’m not or as feeling something I wasn’t.
Maybe I got what I deserved! If people think you want something you really don't, who should you really blame? ¶ 10:37 pm
Comments:
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I think you're right... to a point. There will always be those (of both sexes) who don't understand what No means.
But good for you, feeling stronger and more in control of who you are willing to be with is important for sanity. (I'm still learning!).
But good for you, feeling stronger and more in control of who you are willing to be with is important for sanity. (I'm still learning!).
# posted by 
: 11:58 am
: 11:58 am
Of course, but this was about me saying 'yes' or leading men on in consensual circumstances when in my heart it was 'don't do that, it don't feel right fool!' and I wasn't listening to it. Turning a deaf ear. Being surprised that the nice men I was involved with wanted errr meaningful relations with me after I'd led them on or looked at them in 'that way' made me tar them with a bad brush.... when it was a natural reaction on their part. They thought my feelings towards them were the same as theirs... like in any relationship, long term, casual or a one off.... About me breaking down my barriers of thinking all men are after one thing. Being ignored when you say 'no' is a completely different ball game... as I say i was involved with 'lovely men' who would never have forced me, I was duplicitous with them, the 'poor chaps.' like I say 'I’m talking about the nice guys here' I am fully aware that there are some nasty members of the male sex, don't worry about that! :) xxxxx
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