Wednesday, July 12, 2006
On being a latent friend of Dorothy...Ramble.
Sometimes I like to imagine what would have happened if I'd taken a different path. What if I hadn't met such a wonderful bunch of people on my degree course that made me believe that being different to the norm was actually ok. It was so frightening! If I'd gone to a different university, and everyone there had been straight and not so friendly... It would have been so easy to have carried on as before. Faking it. And establishing myself as a lesbian a couple of years later was I think even more frightening. Looking back i wonder how did I feel so awful about being the way I am. I certainly don't miss the emotional instability, the depression, the pretend happiness, pressing my lips against men's in the vain hope of feeling something, bar the odd bit of animal lust and the deep brotherly affection. Which was kinda easy to mistake for romantic love sometimes. Now the thought of leading men on horrifies me. How could I have done that? Made them believe I wanted them. But then I thought I did at the time. How could I have carried that on? How awful that would have been. Luckily I've never been one to prolong things that don't feel right. If I still did that today... It makes me shudder. My heart has always gone out to people in similar circumstances. Sometimes I can see the signs, and it takes such courage for them to stand up and be counted as a queer! Fear and all the hippy stuff about 'inner homophobia' or 'internal homophobia' often has a lot to answer for I think. (Where you subconsciously take every negative thing about being gay you've heard/seen growing up and pit it against yourself, making you believe it's the most awful thing you can be etc, and effects your self esteem, makes you feel subconsciously that what you are is bad, even after coming out....etc etc. There's more on the web...) There's definitly something in it. I have known a couple of lucky people who've never had problems with what they are, and have been out practically since birth, but they seem to be few in numbers! Nowadays I'm so fucking proud of who I am, and so proud of the people around me who have stood up, done the hard thing and truley followed their hearts. (which is the best advice I could ever give anyone...) But seriously... What if I'd never had the guts to stand up and be counted? The thought is too hideous to bear...
¶ 10:43 am 
